Monday, August 17, 2009

Found a house!

I found a house. It's not exactly what I was looking but do we ever really find exactly what we are looking for. I'm not exactly in any position to be picky right now either. It's in the same school district for the kids, it's in the country, so I don't have to adjust myself and kids to town, it's got enough bedrooms, I can take the dogs and it's really an upgrade as far as structurally sound. This place though I hate to leave right now is really not in the best condition.

There are some minor downfalls to the place. I
shouldn't say they are bad, I think it's just going to be an adjustment. I'm really out in the Boony's now. Like way off from paved roads and no neighbors, which really doesn't bother me, we like our peace and quiet. I'm just not sure how being that far out and no close neighbors is going to work for me in the winter. I've always had friends and neighbors bring their tractors out to plow me out in the winter. I do believe I'm going to need to buy a big snow blower and do it myself now. UHGG!

So... I'm kind of at a waiting period right now. Waiting for the contract to be written up, waiting for money so I can actually pay for the place, transfer my utilities and move, waiting to actually get the keys and have the place. They are holding it for me right now..which is a plus right?

I'm starting the big clean up and packing which sucks anyway, but now I'm going through and packing my Soldier's stuff first. It's not like he needs them right now does he? As I go through his cloths, and all the misc items he has everywhere, I find myself hugging and smelling each of his shirts I fold and pack, trying so hard to hold back the tears but failing miserably. This is proving to be a lot harder not easier.

I know I have friends that are going to help me move, and are there for me, but there are some voids friends just can't fill.

I don't think I've ever felt so overwhelmed,completely on my own and the worst part lack of the strength that I'm always told I have. before in my life.

Starting to take some Pepcid OTC, because the tummy and backache and nausea is telling me all the stress is taking it's toll. Soldier on right? Adapt and overcome is what our lives are about, right?

So...with tears in my eyes, a heavy heart and a deep breath, I'll grab my soldier's shirt, lay my head on it and fall asleep to the smell of the man that I miss with every depth of my being.

Tomorrow is a new day... I'll push on and do what I must, with the hope that things will all work out in the end.

Goodnight my dears,

Cowgirl Lady

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Deployment begins and so does my biggest test in life thus far.

Yesterday under gray skies and slow drizzle (pretty par for the course) I laid my head on my soldier's shoulder as he nested his face in my neck whispering our love for each other and our parting words before we kissed and said goodbye as he departs for a year long deployment to Kosovo on a peace keeping mission.

The drive home is always one of the worst parts of a send off. I'm crying, the older two boys are crying, and my toddler is trying to figure out what the heck is going on. In all other prior deployments, this is my boo hoo time. I allow myself a week of boo hoos, where I'm aloud to cry whenever I want, I can be out of it, kind of numb and wallow in my self pity of missing the man that completes me. After that week, I don't allow myself to wallow. Oh sure I still cry occasionally, usually some evening when the kids are asleep the house is quiet and all I can feel is that empty void of him not being here. But life must go on, his absence isn't the focus point.

This deployment I don't even get my week of boo hoos. Tue afternoon, which I might add my husband's last day at home before he had to report in at Fargo, my landlord called to inform me that they sold the house, and want us out by the end of the month. Two weeks, they expect me to find a house, and be moved in two weeks. So, even my last hour standing by the Jeep in the parking lot of the Armory, my husband is on his cell phone, calling someone who might have a house for rent ( they didn't). Our final hours together before he leaves for a year had this heavy cloud of me having to do the impossible.

I've called on about 5 houses so far, none of which are available. School starts for the kids on the 31st, the county fair in which my oldest has a 4H lamb in it is 26-30, military pay doesn't start till Sept 1st and I'm expected to do the impossible deed of moving by the 1st.

For the first time in my life I feel helpless and scared. Not so much for myself, but my boys are looking at losing their dad, their house, possibly their dogs, having to go from country kids to town kids, maybe change school and after the reaction I saw of just dad leaving, I don't think they can handle it.

Back to the telephone and holding myself together for the sake of my boys.