Sunday, August 16, 2009

Deployment begins and so does my biggest test in life thus far.

Yesterday under gray skies and slow drizzle (pretty par for the course) I laid my head on my soldier's shoulder as he nested his face in my neck whispering our love for each other and our parting words before we kissed and said goodbye as he departs for a year long deployment to Kosovo on a peace keeping mission.

The drive home is always one of the worst parts of a send off. I'm crying, the older two boys are crying, and my toddler is trying to figure out what the heck is going on. In all other prior deployments, this is my boo hoo time. I allow myself a week of boo hoos, where I'm aloud to cry whenever I want, I can be out of it, kind of numb and wallow in my self pity of missing the man that completes me. After that week, I don't allow myself to wallow. Oh sure I still cry occasionally, usually some evening when the kids are asleep the house is quiet and all I can feel is that empty void of him not being here. But life must go on, his absence isn't the focus point.

This deployment I don't even get my week of boo hoos. Tue afternoon, which I might add my husband's last day at home before he had to report in at Fargo, my landlord called to inform me that they sold the house, and want us out by the end of the month. Two weeks, they expect me to find a house, and be moved in two weeks. So, even my last hour standing by the Jeep in the parking lot of the Armory, my husband is on his cell phone, calling someone who might have a house for rent ( they didn't). Our final hours together before he leaves for a year had this heavy cloud of me having to do the impossible.

I've called on about 5 houses so far, none of which are available. School starts for the kids on the 31st, the county fair in which my oldest has a 4H lamb in it is 26-30, military pay doesn't start till Sept 1st and I'm expected to do the impossible deed of moving by the 1st.

For the first time in my life I feel helpless and scared. Not so much for myself, but my boys are looking at losing their dad, their house, possibly their dogs, having to go from country kids to town kids, maybe change school and after the reaction I saw of just dad leaving, I don't think they can handle it.

Back to the telephone and holding myself together for the sake of my boys.

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